the war on terror

Should I not say that? Should I not say that if I am referring to little mice? BUT, are mice NOT little terrorists? Invading my Amsterdam abode?

I’m gonna step away from it just in case. I’ve got a BUNCCHHH of updates for you guys onnnn….

I got Dani to make this logo. SWEET.

Anyways, I BE KILLING MICE! The happiness and thrill that I feel when I have a mouse in the trap is one that borders on alarming and weird. I don’t know. I can’t explain it. I just love when they get caught BEING STUPID VERMIN.

(Pablo, another MAS kid and intern here thinks I’m a terrible human and is sometimes, I think, genuinely mad at me. He threatened to kill me if the mice didn’t die a quick harmless death. I wonder if the P in PETA is for Pablo.)

Anyways, as you all know…I didn’t have a trap last time. I was relying on the force of gravity, a toilet paper roll, and some good luck. (Was fresh out of that.)

Thank GOD a guy at the agency let me borrow his trap. HERE IT IS!

I let this puppy fly on fb and instagram and you all seemed pretty excited about it. Probably not as excited as me though. Let me describe.

It’s a wild little thing…and it has a ‘clean kill.’ THANK GOD. What happens is the stupid idiot mouse walks in like a dumbass and is all oh cool look at this bread with some peanut butter I WONDER WHY it’s stuck to this weird hook HOW SO VERY ODD maybe this is a trap and I shouldn’t do this? Oh wait no, I’m a stupid worthless mouse so I’m just going to pull on this until

SNAP!!!! The thing SHOOTS UP from the bottom and legit like…puts them in the gallows. (Thank you Isabel for giving me the right name) because I was wrongly referring to it as a guillotine. Which would mean the little mouse head would legit BE CHOPPED OFF. And just roll around…I guess? And I don’t think I could handle that.

Anyways, It like snaps their neck/body/I don’t know mouse anatomy? Right away. Clean kill. Bye. Peace. Idiot.

So…the first KILL. Dani told me we had one and I was so excited. FINALLY! The little bastards! Score one for the home team I was so so excited but then it’s like. Wait. There is a dead mouse…and I have to deal with it. Because we all know DANI WASN’T GOING TO!!!!

This is when my iron exterior faltered a little. First off, its tail was SO GROSS!!! And, this is before we really understood that they were in the gallows, aka raised up, and so from the tail and photo this looked SERIOUSLY like a RAT. Like a huge baby got back RAT. I was concerned.

Also, I kept imagining it was going to somehow come to life and make a little rat scream or whatever when I tried to get it loose. You have to push it back down and it frees the body and ugh.

How much do I want to put a photo of this up? HOW MUCH!?!??!?! (so much.)

But, alas, I won’t. Because it’s gross I guess. I mean it’s not bloody or anything its just like…whatever. People frown upon that kinda shit. If you want to see it ask me and I won’t think you’re weird.

If you’re one of my friends you know I sent it to you out of nowhere so HAHAHAAHAH. I’m so good.

Anyways, I freed it into a little bag where I looked at it. No blood. Just...crunched a little. Dani asked me if it was cute and like…I’ll admit…yah. It was kind of cute. In a disgusting, useless vermin way. (Cuter dead.)

Fast-forward a few days and the death toll is at 3. I’m still pretty excited about this except the one time I wanted to make sloppy joes right away and didn’t want to deal with the discarding of vermin. OBVIOUSLY WE HAD ONE.

I didn’t feel like taking it out to the trash so I put it in it’s little bag and put it outside the window where it probably turned into a little mouse popsicle (mousicle,) where its friend joined it the next day and I took them to their death trashcan. (After I held the bag in the air and spoke to Dani in a little mouse voice.)

By the way I am getting a tear tattoo every time I kill one. So, I’m at three right now. Gotta scout out the best place to get them done. I want it to be artistic, and have meaning you know. Like everyone with tattoos.

Anyways, it’s been two days since then with NO KILLS. But, Melissa told me to “Think about the movie Ratatouille…” (……………...k………..) and that I probably have a bunch more because Ratatouille the cooking mouse had a lot of friends. So that’s basically real life*

One other thing I need to talk about in regards to this is something really serious. For like two days, we didn’t catch anything even though we KNEW we had them. One of them is smarter than the rest and SOMEHOW escaped the trap. NOTHING enrages me more than seeing the trap set off with no CORPSE.

So like. I’m a dog person. Like I love my dog. I don’t really like cats. A cat scratched me when I was younger and I never forgave it or any of its kind for that kind of pain and betrayal.

BUT, if you will recall my post on BAR CATS… I now sincerely want to rent-a-cat. Like, I could deal with minor feline snuggles if it meant that the vermin were being hunted by a skilled hunter. So, I seriously started looking into this. I found a cat shelter here that is actually a houseboat. A catboat. Pretty much.

I found their twitter and I tried.

Aka I want to use it as 75% killing machine, 25% friend and companion.
They replied.

so……yah………WHAT??????? Something about kittens. Babies having babies??? TEEN MOM???? But not now? Safe?? The kittens are safe? That's good? 

So yah we don’t have a cat.

That’s probably good. We will continue this war on our own. Will keep you updated….but I’m hoping we got most of them and/or news has traveled through the mice vine that this place ain't nothing to F with and the girl that lives there is a CRAZY BITCH who takes pictures of her kills and poses with the bag of them. (Yep. Did that.)

So that’s it for MouseHunters this time. We’ll see what happens.

OH and by the way I AM SO SORRY for the delay on this! Some of you (Isabel…mostly Isabel) expressed a need for ‘moar blog’

and I replied, erroneously, with a SOON meme…but that was before our concept got picked by the client and we began a series of very late nights at the agency. (Translates to very big morning bitch…btw.)

I guess I should talk about what I’m actually doing here along with my misadventures. But, alas, that is for another day. I promise I will keep up. I do enjoy writing all of this and I enjoy all of you for reading it even more.

You’re the real stars.

xo tay

*...there is actually validity to Melissa's statement, I just don't know why she decided to cite Ratatouille rather than just...how mice are. love you melissa.