Everyone on Craigslist
who isn’t replying to me,
I don’t want to say I’m the perfect roommate.
But.
Like.
I’m the perfect roommate.
Sure, I may spend a, some would say excessive amount of time
in large men’s sweatpants when I’m hanging around the house. But, honestly,
that only makes you look better, right?
Also, I would totally wait like, a month to take those bad
boys out. I’m going to show you that I have the capability of dressing normally
while chilling at home until we establish a mutual understanding that I CHOOSE
to look this way sometimes despite the capability of being pretty. This is an
interesting and exciting part about me.
And, yah, I might be a crazy person about the ice trays in
the freezer. But, I like ice in my wine, okay? I also like iced water. I’m sure
you like ice occasionally and I’m just making sure that we don’t have that
horrible moment where there is no ice when we really need ice. It doesn’t just
freeze right away, you know? It’s a horrible, horrible pang of regret that I’m
saving you from.
I also really like wine, and wine will make me really like
you.
And, whatever, I’m 24 and I occasionally listen to One
Direction. Sue me! I’ll play it with headphones in, okay? Or you could just
give them a chance you know…I mean they are really talented young men., and
some of the lyrics are really…. I’ll wear headphones.
Did you know I CLEAN when I procrastinate?? Oh you don’t?
Because you won’t talk to me???? Well. I do. I find doing the dishes
therapeutic. I find putting them in the dishwasher even more mind opening and
soothing. (FYI this applies to the kitchen and pretty much the kitchen only. My
room can occasionally fall to shambles, but, like, don’t worry about it.) I
always take care of shared spaces.
I also cook. People like to knock me on the fact that they
think I don’t, but they couldn’t be more wrong. I’m just really lucky that my
last couple roommates have been excellent cooks that have cooked for me and I
mean if they wanna cook me delicious meals who am I to step in amirite? I can
cook though, and I will. Pinterest is my cookbook and I have a lottttttt of things
pinned that are yet to be devoured. So, BON APPETIT, bitches!
Also, I’m the least passive aggressive person on earth.
That’s a good thing. If you’re being a bitch I’m going to tell you and we’re
going to have a nice chat about it. If I’m being a bitch I want you to tell me.
If you’re passive aggressive with me I’m going to ask you “what did you mean,
specifically, when you said that?” and we’re going to have a nice little chat
about it. You’ll find I don’t like drama. It’s because I find it exhausting,
and I don’t like being exhausted.
I love TV. You have to love TV, right? What should we watch?
I’ll literally watch everything. I’m currently really into Investigation
Discovery and Big Brother, but seriously, let’s watch some TV together. I think
you’ll be really excited by my commentary on Breaking Amish: LA. It’s
fascinating. Also, I’ll try not to talk during movies. I know you haven’t seen
it either, but why would that girl go into that room when she just saw a
ghost??? I have to ask.
I’ll also edit stuff for you. I write. It’s what I do. I’ll
help you write emails, thank you notes, text messages to the opposite sex.
I’ll drink wine with you to celebrate something. I’ll bitch
with you when you’re pissed off, and hell yah I’ll give that girl a dirty look.
Oh you KNOW I’ll flip off that loser who never called you back, and I’ll pour
even more wine if you need to cry. I’ll be your wingwoman.
For the boys: I’ll be your wingwoman. I’ll buy you beer if
you’re having a rough one, watch sports with you (provided you explain some
things to me,) cook you the occasional meal, and hell yah I’ll give that girl a
dirty look.
I’m going to be your roommate and your friend. And I’m a
really good friend, okay. I have references for this kind of stuff.
But why aren’t you answering me? Why do you hate me? Why are
you not only picking me last for the kickball team…you literally aren’t picking
me at all. I don’t even get to try out. I’m really good at kickball by the way.
I have an almost terrifying competitive drive at all of those things.
Is it my Facebook? Should I not lead with that? Is my sense
of humor not coming out in this? Am I appearing more like the crazy “Don’t ever
leave me cause I’ll finddddd you” girl in Wedding Crashers?? (P.s I haven’t
seen that in a while let’s watch that.) Because I’m not that girl! I’m actually
really normal. Sometimes I wonder if I can get boring when I want to stay in on
a Friday night but then I remember I went to happy hour the night before and I
feel like I’m kind of somewhere in the good gray area.
But yah.
I don’t want to say I’m the perfect roommate…but I’m kind of
the perfect roommate.
So, let’s get a drink and talk about it. I'll get this round, you get the next. We're gonna get at least two rounds right? If the answer is no, then, actually, maybe this won't work out?
But seriously.
But seriously.
Pick me, choose me, live with me.
xoxo tay
