paying to piss

And other reasons I’m happy to be back in America.

(reuniting with the pup)

As I sit in the kitchen of my house drinking an iced coffee I’ve been thinking a lot about my travels-what I learned, what I experienced, and…why I’m really happy to be back in the good old U S of A.

Now DO NOT GET ME WRONG. I had the most incredible time of my life on this trip. I lived in AMSTERDAM. Like, what? Since I didn’t travel during my undergrad…this was kind of my second chance to do the abroad thing…and I am so happy I did.

The Dutch were incredibly nice…and I really learned to appreciate Amsterdam as a fun and friendly city. But there were a couple things I just could not get down with in the end. This is all of Europe in general, not just my little home in The Netherlands.

1. Iced coffee

An anomaly, a rare beast literally impossible to find in Europe. At least everywhere I visited (Netherlands, Belgium, France, Ireland, Italy.) I searched for it in every location to NO AVAIL! Not even at McDonalds (aka the American Embassy.)

Needless to say I cannot live without iced coffee and if I had a euro for every time someone gave me an absurd look when I asked about it I would have many euros.

2. Portions

PORTIONS! In Amsterdam there is for sure no such thing as Costco or BJs. At Albert Heijn, the grocery store…they were trying to make me skinny. THEY TRIED!!!! (They failed. I always find my way around these things)

A pack of oreos is 16. SIXTEEN!!! That’s a SLEEVE of oreos here! You can’t even buy them that small! Jumbo size America!! I have a lot of evidence for this but it honestly does more damage than it’s worth because why am I bragging that we get more food in America. That’s kind of why…well….definitely why….nope absolutely why the US has an obesity issue.

So in all seriousness the portion thing was good for me if I would have just accepted it but it didn’t help that I couldn’t read anything so it was going to take me a very long time to get used to it and I swear to God there was an entire aisle of just various types of mush in the grocery store.

So complaining about portions actually made me realize the actual portions that our bodies need. It’s for sure not as much as we get in the US and it could really help us all if we would just realize that and eat accordingly.

…whatever though.

3. Language barriers

I did so many smiles and nods and awkward ‘what?’ and weird creepy laughs that I kind of don’t know who I am anymore and feel like I’m the weird annoying character (a la Zooey Deschanel on new girl) in the sitcom of my life. (p.s I love that show just making a pop culture reference that would make sense here)

4. CVS

CVS!!!! Walgreens. Rite Aid. Etc.

I will never take these places for granted again. Nor will I take the mere idea of convenience. One week we all got sick like I need Nyquil And Dayquil sick and there was no CVS type thing to go to and get your fix. My poor friends had to find some kind of pharmacy-TYPE thing and get like 50 different things that do what Dayquil does in one gulp.

I love convenience.

5. Plugs

I literally had to change the type of plug I used with each place I went to. Not to mention adapters, which I still don’t know the difference between, all I know if that my straightener is broken and it’s because I used to wrong one and that sucks so much and yah I guess everyone has their right to their own plug but like come on guys.

6. Customer Service

Literally doesn’t exist. Why aren’t you, [company] scared of me giving you a bad yelp review? WHY AREN’T YOU SCARED OF MY STRONGLY WORDED LETTER!?!!? Why aren’t you scared about me tweeting and facebooking and phone calling about this!?!?!?!?! You aren’t. And so everything sucks and I hate you and I hate it all.

Yes I’m looking at you KPN and most restaurants.

7. Hulu and Netflix

You are god amongst websites. I love you and I missed you except I found my way around the rules on this one so I didn’t miss you and that’s because if I had to miss you I would have gotten back on the plane.

8. Dunkin Donuts, Five Guys, Wendy’s, etc.

I feel like this doesn’t need explanation?

9. Mayonnaise.

I don’t get it guys. I really don’t get it. Why is it on everything? Why is everything dipped in it? I’m not gonna lie...I did it. I did it a good amount but now I’m happy to say the mayo is back in the back of my fridge where it belongs only to be used on BLTS and sparingly in tuna.

10. My Cell Phone

I couldn’t be on the phone at the grocery store and I couldn’t translate things and I couldn’t tweet and I couldn’t freely instagram and if I can’t do any of those things then I just don’t really understand what I am supposed to do?

11. Time Zones

I spent 6 hours waiting for my friends to wake up and then we had about 6 hours to tell each other everything we had done because I need to know everything my friends ate and watched and said and laughed at and by the time I was about to go to sleep they were all ready to chat and I was like I gotta sleep tell me tomorrow and then the cycle started all over again.

12. TV

Everything happened and I had to wait to watch it unless I wanted to watched it at 4 in the morning which I didn’t and then I had to hide from social media so I didn’t find out what happened (Bachelor) and that was hard for me. By the way I was pissed about the Bachelor and if anyone is wondering I now hate Sean Lowe.

13. Wet Rooms

See: http://taygarrett.blogspot.com/2013/01/im-missing-bachelor-tonight.html

Not a fan, never will be a fan.

14. Toilets

Okay this is going to be weird but I have to say this…there are some toilets that legit have a poop shelf. Like you poop (if you do that because I’m a girl so I don’t so I don’t do anything gross ever I am dainty and beautiful and stuff) so if you were to poop though it like actually just keeps it there. Keeps it right there. Like a little poop museum exhibit and when you flush it goes away and I just don’t (hypothetically) see the point in that because poop is gross and why would that happen ever.

15. Paying to piss

This was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was in Rome, lost in the subway and I had to take what I like to call a ‘precautionary piss,’ meaning that I am going to go because I kind of need to but not really bad but I should do it because I don’t know when I will get to again.

So as I walked to the bathroom I saw little things that were like you were going into the metro where you would put a card…but it wasn’t a card! IT WANTED EUROS! A FULL EURO!!!!!!!

My precautionary piss was equal to 10 cents at the MOST.

I almost self-destructed. See, this was an issue I saw all over Europe and it was just NOT FAIR AT ALL.

EVERYWHERE MADE ME PAY TO PISS.

Like, including bars. INCLUDING BARS! Like, I’m already paying you a million euros so I can get drunk and then you want me to pay you to take a piss?? REALLY?? Because what’s the test here? Do you think I won’t pee my pants? Do you think I won’t????????

Fine I won’t because that’s gross and also it’s cold outside so that would be the worst but like?? What if it’s an emergency and I don’t have ANY CHANGE and I run downstairs after dancing up a storm and would you refuse me?

Because I would piss on the floor. I would do that to make a point if it didn’t mean I would be arrested and I’ve seen enough episodes of locked up abroad to know I would not fare well.

Not to mention I really doubt those jails would have iced coffee.

Long story short-I’m such an American girl. I really am. I’m so happy to be home…but I also wouldn’t trade my abroad experience for the world. I had such an incredible time trying all of these new things and making so many new memories with some really great friends….but when it comes to convenience and plugs and peeing and toilets….I know where I belong.

Land of the Free and Home of the

(xo) tay.

god stole my hat.

In Notre Dame.

I know this is kind of a big accusation. But like. I don’t see any other option here.

We went to Paris last weekend. It was such a good time. Granted now everyone is dying of a cold because of our constant adventuring in freezing temps…but I think it was worth it. Also I’m saying that because I was sick the week before and so now everyone but me has it so KNOCK ON WOOD I don’t want this shiz again we go to Dublin on Saturday!!

Yah. We have one more week left. I can’t believe it. Time has seriously flown by. It feels like yesterday (cliché…BUT SERIOUSLY) that I was freaking my shiz in Albert Heijn (grocery store) overwhelmed by everything. And I still can’t read everything today but now I bomb through the aisles annoyed when people are walking too slow. Feels like home.

I’m getting off track. Today is about Paris.

Back to God. One of the days (they have blurred together to be honest…) we went to Notre Dame and Dani took off my hat and gave it to me or something I don’t know it disappeared into thin (holy) air. It was also in the middle of mass.

It is my genuine belief that God took my hat. Maybe he’s not too psyched I haven’t been to church in a while. It could possibly be because I didn’t get confirmed………………I don’t know. Point is that if God wanted my AWESOME HAT THAT I LOVED AND I NEED ANOTHER ONE then he can have it. If that is what he chooses to take from me then I am totally fine with that.

Sorry God. Seriously. MESSAGE RECEIVED!

me and my hat in happier times RIP

(I  even went back the next day to check if anyone turned it in. SO if it wasn’t the big guy and it was instead a little guy that took my hat from Notre Dame 1^st off you’re in way deeper than me cause you stole something in a church????? Also what if I had lice?????? (I don’t.) But seriously you would run that risk and pick up a hat off the ground and keep it you’re disgusting seriously like…I have lice.)

Anyways. Paris. Couple of interesting things occurred.

First off, everything here is in military time and since I don’t have the brain capacity to learn it (I just refuse to sit down and memorize it. Like my times tables. Or addition, basically.) That makes things a little bit confusing for me. Our train to Paris left at 19:00. (7pm) We got there like 10 minutes before 18:00 (6pm.)

I was confused by this.

As we stood on the platform everyone was like it’s gonna be here in a few minutes! And I was like wait what? I thought it was at 19 and they said no it’s at 6 to which the inside of my head exploded and I was just like what? Okay and so when the train came 5 minutes later I got on it and found my seat and was just like…whatever.

So I got in my seat. Shortly after that a drug dog german shepard came on. I instructed Dani NOT TO PET IT. That is super not allowed I know this because I almost did it once.

The dog promptly became interested in the kid behind us and the cop was like “This dog smells drugs. Is there any truth to that?” and the poor kid looked like he was gonna poop his pants and he also spoke French I think. There were like 7 different people representing each language for this stuff.

Long story short the kid got taken off of the train in handcuffs a few stops later. I eagerly watched this go down like it was my own law and order episode. I’m a rubbernecker. I felt bad for the kid though!!! Sometimes it’s hard to forget that marijuana is illegal elsewhere seeing as there are more coffeeshops here than dunkin donuts in Boston. (To people not from Boston: this is shocking and impressive)

Anyways. Then I sit down in my seat and I’m falling asleep like immediately. That is until a French lady wakes me up and tells me I’m in her seat. Now, I have obsessively checked to make sure I’m in the right seat but I freaked the f out and ran from the French lady because you should always run from French people.

After counting on my fingers 100 times and then comparing my ticket to my friends I realized…..

I was on the wrong z-ing train.

Everyone else had the ticket for 18 and I had 19. I promptly began to freak out. I just rubbernecked the kid behind me getting in huge trouble and if anyone knows I got a ticket for accidently not having a ticket (lol) on a train in Florida to which I promptly publically cried….so I was sure this was gonna be a doozy. I had three more hours left and they hadn’t come to check my ticket and what the f was I going to say to this maybe French person?????

I spent the next three hours like a little fugitive bouncing around the car. It was not unlike a suspense thriller.

They never checked the tickets.

So I survived. But I probably took about 4 years off of my life to be honest.

I thought that might be the end of my struggle for the day but fast forward to the streets of Paris where Katie, Jimmy and I are drinking wine out of water bottles trying to figure out how to get wifi to call Justin to find out where he lives.

We went to the American Embassy (Mcdonald’s) used the wifi and found out…promptly took the metro a few stops too far and I gotta tell you this not being able to text people is super inconvenient. We were lost in Paris at midnight.

We eventually got to Justin’s where we promptly passed out because we are 90 years old.

This blog post is getting so long. I’m going to sum up the happenings.

In one sentence: we did everything. Seriously. We did so much stuff. We woke up early, we got out in the world and we did all the things. It was obviously cloudy and freezing but it was overall a great time.

True to the beast that is advertising, half of our friends had to work the entire weekend and couldn’t adventure with us…so it was mostly the AMS crew all over the place.

We saw the Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Troimphe, we stumbled across the site of Princess Diana’s death and left our initials.

We did a freezing cold hop on hop off tour and saw the entire city.

We went to Notre Dame (….) We ate so much good food it isn’t even funny and it’s also true that wine is insanely cheap. It was very nice. I’m not sure if the French seem to think that there are diamonds in Coca Cola or something because it was seriously 5.20 euro everywhere we went.  THAT’S ALMOST 7 DOLLARS!!!!! (I have an app to figure that out btw LOL math.) That is so many dunks iced coffees. Wow.

We spent so much time with so many good friends. It was a big Miami Ad School reunion. A big part of our MAS crew is in Paris and so all of the AMS crew was spoiled with great free accommodations with good friends. We all celebrated by getting super drunk one night and it made me feel like we were in Miami except I looked like a pale vampire with dry cracked hands and seriously I cannot handle living in this weather for real someone help me.

A highlight was certainly the night we celebrated Dani’s birthday. We got a bunch of wine and champagne and set up camp across the water from the Eiffel Tower where we popped bottles and sang for Dani’s birthday. It was, again, so fun to be with everyone, and Dani and I got probably one of the most epic photos of all time.

P.s Happy Birthday Dani: one of my most positive friends and a great roommate that puts up with my nonsense and knows exactly how much wine to pour me. You’re the best.

On Sunday we went to the Louvre. Culture, Y’ALL.  It was free museum day so it was…you guessed it…FREEE!!!! Which meant that the line was like a million years long. The sign said it was an hour and a half long.

FALSEHOODS!!!!

The girls stood in line (playing candy crush) and the boys went out to get us some breakfast from the embassy. (Yes…McDonalds.) Well long story short panic set in when about 20 minutes later we were nearing the end of the line. We were like…crapping our pants because what was gonna happen? We waited in this literally giant line and if they came now we would have to scarf down our food and there was no way this was gonna work ahhhhhhhhhhh.

And once again we couldn’t call each other. Technology is SO IMPORTANT.

So we got out of line right at the end. The crowd went wild. With ridicule. They laughed us out of town. Okay…like one guy murmered something about how we waited in the entire line blah blah like dude I know I was there.

Then the boys showed up. We all died and that’s the end of the story.

Well actually we got back in the huge line and we ate our burgers because the embassy had stopped serving breakfast. We looked very American.

Then the line went by and we had a great time at the louvre, right?

No.

As we approached the end of the line for the 2^nd time a bird kamikazi shat on us. This is real. This is real life.

Not only did we wait in the entire line twice but we got shat on.

It hit three of us.

It hit me on the bottom of my jacket.

It got Jimmy on the neck of his jacket. (SO MUCH WORSE. Poor Jimmy.)

So that was lovely. It’s effing huge. Justin told us a stat that if you spent 15seconds looking at each thing in the louvre it would take 17 months to see it all. Ain’t nobody got time for that so after we saw a majority of the stuff I literally felt like I had just run the Boston marathon.

It was awesome though.

After that we went to the huge famous graveyard Pere Lachaise where we saw the Doors’ Jim Morrison’s grave. It was the one thing Jimmy wanted to do.

We also saw my man Oscar Wilde (writers unite) and Chopin’s grave. There are a lot of huge names in there and it was an insanely cool place. Some of the graves went back to the 1600’s. Unreal.

Paris is huge. I had no idea. I am so soooo happy that we went. Not only did we get to experience an amazing and historic city…but we got to spend a quality time with a bunch of good friends. This program is tough because you make such serious bonds with people for the first year and then you never know if/when you will see them again…so spending that time together was such a serious gift. Like…a whole bunch of my friends in PARIS, FRANCE?? What??

French people really weren’t that mean by the way. They didn’t like my inability to speak French but I’m serious I was frozen in space I had no idea what to say ever and all I could think of was weird Spanish stuff or a mix of Dutch and it was much better that I didn’t try.

And that was Paris. Next up…Dublin and Rome!!

I can’t believe this is almost over…but I’m also missing the good old U S of A and all of my friends and family there. And convenience. Just convenience in general.

BUT I’m gonna try to fit a few more posts in here before I fly on home, I promise!!

xo tay