it's not you...

...it’s the absolutely absurd text you sent me.

So actually it’s pretty much you.

Texting. One of my favorite things. It gives me the ability to keep in touch with all of my friends all over the country. It gives me something to do so I can avoid eye contact with weirdos on the bus. It’s so hot right now.

Lately a weird phenomenon has been happening to me. There have been a series of boys who have just absolutely BLOWN IT via text. This post might make me seem like a bitch, but let’s all be real: I’ve never been described as too nice. No, I don’t think I’m a bitch, but there are certain things that annoy me and once I have been annoyed I don’t like to deal with such things anymore. I’m human. I have pet peeves. These are my own opinions, and I’m not apologizing for them. Whatever.

Anyways, I wanted to share a few examples of this, and maybe they can serve as a what NOT to do guide. Or get a laugh, at least.

The first one I honestly feel kind of bad about now because in comparison to the last one it is nothing. However, my close friends will know that there was no way I could handle someone like this.

This kid had asked me for drinks. Why not, I thought. I might as well go. I love drinks. We were texting, and this kid had a peppier than normal tone. Like, I’m talking a BUNCH of emoticons. People who know me know that I pretty much hate emoticons. (Emojis are a different story. Emojis rule.) But, too many smiley faces…or a GOD FORSAKEN winky face and you’re gonna weird me out. It’s just not a thing I like.  (There’s a time and place for them…I am not outlawing them all together.)

So, this kid was already skating on thin ice due to excessive smiley use when we discussed his weekend. He had gone to a wedding. I asked how it was and he replied,

“It was a blasty blast!”

I think I audibly gasped. I hated it. I hated it so so much. I wanted to smash my phone I hated it so much. It kind of made my blood boil. Maybe I’m a psycho. I’m sounding like a psycho but BLASTY BLAST?!?!!? I just couldn’t picture myself with someone with that vocabulary. He seemed like someone who skips down the street. Someone who may have been or would be interested in being a puppeteer. Someone who would call me at 9am on a Saturday with a sing-songy “gooOOOdddDddd MOooORnNNning!!!!”

I hated it all. I didn’t talk to him again. It’s not even his fault, but he wouldn’t have liked me either. I guess you could say I’m not the “blasty-blast” type.

Next: the background on this one is that I run a Roommate Mixer for my current job as a community manager at a start up. Every week I host these events, and I text everyone beforehand to remind them, answer any questions, etc. I’m like Challen from Grouper.

The event was going well, and there was a kid there who had been chatting me up. Keep in mind: it’s my job to be chatting. At the end of the night, in front of everyone mind you, this kid says “So, I seem to be the only one here who doesn’t have your number.”

It was clever, I’ll hand it to him, but I wasn’t interested. But then I looked around and there I was, in front of the ENTIRE MIXER. I swear, it was as if the music was turned off and there had been no sound BUT him asking me that. Everyone had turned to look at us. It was like being proposed to on Good Morning America or some shit. I laughed. I laughed too hard. It sounded awkward and aggressive. My cackle reverberated through the room and then the silence settled again. I had no choice. I had to give it to him.

He texted me that night saying something along the lines of “A northeasterner, eh? Shoulda known. We should hang out some time.”

I didn’t understand where that text came from, and I didn’t answer. What does that mean "should have known?" It’s not like I had a thick Boston accent, was eating a boiled Maine lobster, and had a Cuffy’s sweatshirt on. Regardless, I had kind of been forced to give out my number so I wasn’t going to reply and lead him on. The next day he double texts:

“Hey, I would love to hang out with yah some time. Would really like to get to know yah.”

Don’t even get me started on the “yah”s. I hated it. I hated it all. Even if you pronounce you as “yah,” you do not need to put it that way in a text. My Boston-y accent dad doesn’t text me that he’s eating “tuner on a piter, ” he texts that he is eating tuna on a pita. I did not reply.

Day three, the worst one.

“Hey, I’m hosting a meetup this week. You should come. Would love to see your ass out there.”

EXCUSE ME? My ass? Please don’t talk about my ass. Not only do I not know you, I haven’t answered any of your texts. What would make you think I would respond to that? I’M A LADY, YOU KNOW. A lady. A lady with a nice ass (San Francisco hills, ya’ll) but, its too soon, random kid I don’t even know the name of.

By this point I had pretty much given up on texting boys. It seemed like all of them were weird whether it be excessive emoticon use, or absurd attempts at expressing an accent through text and coupling it with discussing the ass of a stranger.

But all of those would prove to be nothing. NOTHING. Compared to the grand finale.

I met this kid at another one of my mixers. Didn’t talk to him a ton, but my friends and his friends were hanging out all night and numbers were exchanged to try to make plans for a Halloween party.

A couple days later this kid texts me when I’m actually so hungover it’s affecting my motor skills. He seemed nice. The conversation was flowing quite well despite my occasional nonsensical texts because I was literally struggling to function as a human being.

We chat pretty much all day, and then he asks me if I want to get drinks during the week. I decide, sure, why not? This kid seems cool. Seems normal. He hasn’t overused emoticons. (A few uses in the right situation. He was passing the test.) He wasn’t discussing my ass, which was nice and normal.

So then I ask, “Where do you work again?” so we can figure out where we can get drinks. I’m actually going to go through with this.

But then it happens.

The text back reads:

“I’m in real estate investment, so I works where I want to n*gga”

UMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

First of all, he hadn’t edited it.

Second of all, WHAT THE Z ARE YOU THINKING? What the Z are you TALKING ABOUT? What the z-ing z!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?

I literally gasped. I screenshot it and sent it to all of my friends. Same reaction. Horror.

But seriously, are you kidding?

This kid is a white kid. I am a white kid. What are you thinking using a racial slur in a text to me? More than that, what are you thinking using a racial slur in general?

I just met you. If you thought it was a funny joke, you don’t know me well enough to try to do that. Oh and p.s, I don’t think it’s a funny joke. I think you sound like a z-ing tool. I think you sound like an ignorant asshole. I think you sound like an idiot.

And I’m never talking to you again.

P.s It also annoyed me that he said “works.” But, in the scheme of things, that was nothing.

So, yah, I iced this kid. I just didn’t even feel like dealing with it. I already knew I wasn’t going to be compatible with a kid who throws out racial slurs in a first text message conversation. I don’t care if there was an explanation for it, because honestly, in my eyes, there isn’t an explanation that I would agree with.

This was a straight up dealbreaker.

An update is he asked our mutual friend what “my deal is,” tried to get me to come out a few other times, but the damage was done. I’m not interested. I’m super not interested.

I’m sure I seem like a cold hard texting-snob bitch….but the truth is I knew I wasn’t going to be compatible with these dudes. I'm saving all of us a lot of time. Sure, I'm sort of putting them on blast(-y blast, HAHAAAAA) here, but, this is my life, and it's much more fun when I get to share it with people.

The first one was just too damn peppy. I can be peppy, but never in a blasty-blast type way. It saved both of us. I would have hated him for being basically Buddy the Elf, and he would have thought I was Wednesday Addams.

The second dude was just a mess. Don’t try to type in an accent. It’s weird. Please don’t speak about my ass. It’s super weird.

The third guy…I mean, enough said. I can’t vibe with a guy who uses racial slurs. I can only assume it’s a word that is pretty entrenched in his vocabulary, and that’s just not my style.

As a person who loves texting: I do put a lot of weight on it. You can learn a lot about a person by what they text you…because it’s not a spur of the moment decision. You typed it out, looked at it, and pressed send.

Point is: I know I’m going to find someone who would laugh at blasty-blast, only speak about my ass when we have a good enough friendship to do so, and wouldn’t use a racial slur around me (or around anyone for that matter.) I really don’t think that is that hard to ask. And if it is, well then…

Challenge accepted.

xo, tay